WORDS CAN HURT…

Posted on May 14, 2012 by TTT

TORAH PORITION:  BEHAR – BECHUKOTAI

“Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.”  This ditty, often recited by kids when they are called names, is designed to protect a child from the meanness of other children.  But, words, truth be told, are powerful weapons.  Indeed, it would be more honest to chant: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can hurt me!”  Children are especially vulnerable to the words of another.

In our Torah portion this week we are enjoined “not to wrong one another”, meaning not hurt one another with words.  Instead we are to consider the effect of our words on others carefully, reflecting on the word choices we make and their impact on others.  The Jewish tradition places great emphasis on not hurting another’s feelings.

It’s important to model for our children the appropriate use of language by being considerate of our children’s feelings.  Harsh words and tone can hurt more often than we realize.  Even when discipline is called for, it is important not to speak too harshly to our children.  Our words can backfire, causing damage and retreat.  Firm but kinds words can be a much more effective teaching tool than yelling, even when a child has done something wrong.  In this way a child can learn kindness toward his or her friends and family.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about how words can hurt feelings and remind them to stop and think before reacting or talking.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:

  • Has anyone ever called you a name or hurt you with the words the person used?
  • How did you respond?
  • Have you ever hurt someone else with the words you’ve used?
  • What other words do you think you could have chosen?
  • What other ways do you think we can learn to communicate other than by using  hurtful language?

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses

© 2009, 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

Categories: Communication, Compassion | Leave a comment

MANAGING OUR ANGER…

Posted on May 9, 2012 by TTT

TORAH PORTION: EMOR

Everyone gets angry at one time or another.  But the difference between purposeful,  productive anger and destructive anger is vast.  Appropriate anger can be used to make a point passionately, but in measured terms.  However, when we are out of control, anger can be counterproductive, making us incapable of communicating effectively.  Furthermore, it can hurt those around us and be especially hurtful and frightening to children.

In our Torah portion this week there is a story of two men fighting with one another.  One is so angry that he curses the other, using God’s name in vain.  The Torah makes clear that cursing, even when one does so in the course of anger, is not permissible.  Anger doesn’t excuse destructive behavior.

We might commit many destructive acts when we are angry.  We might throw things, slam doors, or curse.  However, when possible, controlling anger in a measured and purposeful way is the best way to model good communication. The best way to control anger is to think about what the point of the anger is before acting.   We can then make a conscious decision concerning whether getting angry is the best course of action for the situation at hand.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about the destructive things people sometimes do when they get angry.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:

  • What makes you angry?
  • What do you do when you get angry?
  • How do you feel when someone else gets angry?
  • What are the best ways to manage your anger?
  • Have you ever accomplished anything lasting in anger?

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses

© 2009, 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

Categories: Anger | Leave a comment

SCAPEGOATING…

Posted on May 2, 2012 by TTT

TORAH PORTION: ACHARAY MOT-KEDOSHIM

Blaming one another is a tempting human tendency.  How much easier it is to place responsibility on another’s shoulders than to accept responsibility for our actions!  We like to shift the weight of our own flaws and misdeeds on to another, especially when we have not lived up to our own or others’ expectations.  Children often engage in blaming when confronted with an action unacceptable to a parent or teacher, saying things like “He started it!” or “It was her fault!”.

Our Torah portion this week deals with the original scapegoat. The high priest confesses the sins of Israel while placing his hands on a goat that was then sent out into the desert as part of the larger atonement process.  Sending a goat into the desert is a far better option than a group of people turning a human being into an outcast by blaming him or her for our own flaws.

This Torah portion serves as an important directive.  The goat lightens the load of Israel’s sins in an overall process of forgiveness.  While we are to take responsibility for our own actions, there has to be room for a lightening of the load of our errors through forgiveness.  As parents we have to be ready to confront our children.  At the same time we shouldn’t overwhelm them with the force of our confrontations.  A light touch and a readiness to forgive might be just the right approach to encourage children to take responsibility for their own actions.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about the concept of a scapegoat–when a group shifts all of their blame on one person.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:

  • · Do you ever blame others for your own mistakes?
  • · Do others ever blame you for their mistakes?
  • · In what kind of situations do we blame others?
  • · What makes owning up to our own faults and flaws so difficult?
  • · How has scapegoating hurt people and societies?

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses

© 2009, 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

 

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

Categories: Other | Leave a comment

CREATING YOUR WORLD THROUGH LANGUAGE…

Posted on April 25, 2012 by TTT

TAZRIA – METZORA

Just as the world was created through language in Genesis, we all create our personal worlds every day through speech.  We can both create and destroy with words.  We can hurt other people through speaking negatively about them.  Speaking about people behind their back, we can harm reputations, and thereby even harm friendships and business.  Reputation in our very social and interdependent world is at the heart of one’s status both personally and professionally.

Jewish tradition is particularly sensitive to the power of speech and how it can be damaging.   Our Torah portion this week addresses the consequences caused by speaking negatively about others, an act that is called Lashon Hara or Evil Talk.  It includes slander, gossip, and other kinds of destructive language.

The first place to practice not engaging in Evil Talk is in the family.  Think for a moment: how do siblings talk about one another?  How does the family engage in talking about neighbors?  Within our families we may see this kind of speech as internal and therefore harmless.  However, how families speak about one another creates a model for how children will speak outside of the home about their friends. The less parents permit and model this kind of negative speech, the less likely children will use it on their own.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about the Jewish prohibition of Lashon Hara or Evil Talk  and explain the negative consequences of this behavior.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:

  • · Why do you think it might be important not to say negative things about others?
  • · How do you feel when you find out someone has said something negative about you?
  • · Why do you think people like to gossip and find it so appealing?
  • · What might help you to engage in it less?

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses

© 2009, 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

Categories: Communication | Leave a comment

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT….

Posted on April 17, 2012 by TTT

 

TORAH PORTION:  SHEMINI

We all eat and need to feed our families.  But how we do so involves many small decisions.  Think about being in a supermarket.  We all make many decisions there concerning the food we buy.  We are inundated by products and need to make decisions based on various factors such as healthfulness or what’s appealing to our family.

In this week’s Torah portion we are told very specifically that we can not eat whatever we want whenever we want.  Discipline, in Judaism, is an important part of eating.  According to the Torah, following the discipline of what we can eat and what we can’t eat makes us holy.  Making these choices teaches us that food and eating are sacred matters.

While some of us may choose to keep kosher and some might not, it’s important to keep in mind that making wise choices about the food we eat elevates the act of eating.  We want to teach our children that they just can’t eat anything any time and any way that they want.  Families eating healthful food together are involved in a sacred activity – taking in the bounty of the earth.  Consider what would elevate your family’s eating experience into one that consciously acknowledged the blessings that are abundant at our dining room or kitchen table.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about how important food choices are to their physical and spiritual health.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:

  • · What kinds of foods do you like to eat?
  • · Do you know where these foods come from?
  • · Which kinds of foods makes you feel good when you eat them?
  • · Why is it important to eat together with your family?
  • · What is the value of applying discipline to what we eat?

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses                                                  © 2009, 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

Categories: Eating & Diet | Leave a comment

IS FREEDOM FREE?…

Posted on April 5, 2012 by TTT

Torah Porition: Passover A

Freedom is such an attractive concept to us all. We like the idea of doing what we want, when we want. Often we think that being free of rules, regulations, and requirements are important for us to feel free. Could we be wrong in expecting too much of freedom? What if people did exactly as they pleased, whenever they wanted. Life could get very confusing, complicated, and dangerous.

On Passover, we celebrate our freedom from slavery with a Seder. Interestingly the word Seder means order, and our special celebration of freedom starts with 15 steps to follow. None of our other meals has so many requirements. Why does this special meal require us to follow 15 proscribed steps? First a cup of wine, then washing hands, dipping vegetables, breaking the middle matza, storytelling……….and that is only 40% of the steps.

The wisdom of our tradition teaches that to be free we need order in our lives. Only within a structure of order and responsibility can we be free to pursue our desires. Imagine if others were free to harm themselves or us. Imagine if everyone was so free and did not have to follow rules; chaos would result. In chaos, none of us could accomplish what we want. There is wisdom in realizing how much our freedom depends on a structure of rules and laws for the benefit of all.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT how rules are important for our safety and our freedom.

CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:
· What do we like most about freedom?
· Are there parts of your life in which you feel you do not have freedom
· Has there ever been a situation when you wished you did not have so much freedom?

By Fred Claar                                                                                                     © 2011 Joyce and Fred Claar

Torah Topics for Today is created to introduce values/ethics through a Jewish lens
into family discussions. Visit our site at www.torahtopicstoday.com.

 

Categories: Holidays, Rituals | Leave a comment

ASKING QUESTIONS….

Posted on April 3, 2012 by TTT

Torah Portion: Passover

Asking questions is essential to childhood. Doing one’s best to answer these questions is part of being a parent. Sometimes we are delighted by these questions, and at other times we are discomfited, at a loss as to how to answer them. Whichever it is, we know how important it is for our children to keep on asking questions.

This coming week is time for the yearly Passover seders. The Torah and the rabbis who shaped the seders placed children’s questions at the heart of the seder. Not only are the “Four Questions” designed to specifically engage children. The purpose of much of what we do differently on this night is precisely so that children will ask spontaneous questions. We cover and uncover the matzoh at strange moments. We hide the Afikomen, a piece of one of the matzahs on our seder plate, and we do odd things with unusual foods like dipping bitter herbs in salt water.

The seder speaks of four different kinds of children with four different approaches to the Passover Seder: the wise, the wicked, the simple one, and the one who does not know how to ask. Many of us would be uncomfortable placing any child in the wicked category. However, the point really is that there are different kinds of children with different kinds of learning styles. The questions of each child come from the point where that child is in his own development. The goal is to address children where they are and lead them to a deeper understanding of their lives and the lives of their family and people.

TALK TO YOUR KIDS about the special heritage of the Passover story and the importance of asking questions.
CONNECT TO THEIR LIVES:
· What is your favorite part of the Passover holiday?
· How do you think the Passover story connects to your life today?
· Discuss the various rituals and their symbolism—hiding the Afikomen, dipping bitter herbs in salt water, eating a spring vegetable,  having four cups of wine, asking four questions, etc. (The meaning of these rituals can be found in a Haggadah or on variety of Jewish websites, including myjewishlearning.com)

Click here to learn how to use the Torah Topics website!

By Rabbi Dianne Cohler-Esses                                                                            ©Copyright 2010 Joyce and Fred Claar

Categories: Holidays | Leave a comment